Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I remember the time I asked Grandpa what he did in the war. At first he didn't say anything. Then he pulled a frozen T-bone steak from under his shirt. "I stole this," he said. "No," I said, "not the store, the war." He showed me a red mark on his stomach and said he was wounded, but I think it was from the T-bone.

When I was about in the third grade I used to play with matches all the time. Then one day, something made me stop. I accidentally scaped one across a rough surface and it caught on fire!

I couldn't believe it! Someone had stolen my new sled! My brand-new, all-white sled, with the runners I had painted white and the white tow-rope and name written on the top, in white. I asked all of my so-called friends which one of them took it, but they all denied it. Finally, in the spring, right after the snow melted, the thief brought it back to where I had left it.

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

I think a good way to get out of a speeding ticket is to make a playful grab at the officer’s revolver. He’ll probably be laughing so hard, he won’t be able to write the ticket.

If I were a ghost, I’d dress up as a kid on Halloween so I could scare everybody with my frighteningly obsessive need for irony.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, I just think about it.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

Sometimes kids are so cruel to animals, especially insects. I remember one time I caught this grasshopper, and made him wear a little straw hat that I had made. Also a little pair of denim overalls. And I made him hold this little tiny pitchfork. So guess what he looked like? What is the enemy of the grasshopper and the one thing he wouldn't want to look like? That's right , a farmer.

They say that genius is 99 percent perspiration and 1 percent inspiration.
Then again, so is mowing the lawn.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840.

One year Dad decided he was going to take us on a "surprise vacation." We wouldn't know where we were going until we got there. We were all real excited when we piled into the station wagon early one morning. We went about five blocks, then we got in an accident at a four-way stop. I guess it was a pretty good surprise, but why did we need all that camping gear?

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetary, they found fragments of human bones! What kind of barbarians were these people, anyway?

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid person," Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.

Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves?

Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.

"I'll take that little one, way in the back," I said. "That little collie mix?" said the animal shelter guy. "No," I said, "the one behind him." "The gray terrier?" he said. "He's gray," I said,"but way in the back, in the corner." "You mean the water faucet?" he said. I realized then it was a water faucet, but I didn't want to look like a jerk, so I said,"Yeah, that's the one I want." It ended up costing me almost five hundred dollars to get that faucet removed. But you know, I've still got that faucet, and I wouldn't trade it for any dog in the world.

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."

Some people say things like life is a journey, or life is like a box of chocolates. I however tend to think that it is your existance from the time you are born until the time you die. But hey, that's just me.

There are two types of people in this world:
1. Those who need closure